I haven't posted in awhile, mainly due to the fact that nothing exceedingly exciting has happened in my life since the latter half of senior year. My first year of college came, and went. For the longest time it felt as if some part of my self was missing, as if I've been incomplete and riding autopilot through the last year of my life. And then it hit me. I had been missing my connection with other people. Sure, I can socialize and joke around with my friends from a day to day basis, but the emotional depth that I had once encompassed was left shallow. I remember drawing and writing thousands of pieces of poetry, trying to express my self. Now I feel this empty, massive, void where that emotion once was. I shut myself off, off from the world, off from my nearest and dearest friends, off from love even. Why had I subconsciously done so? Because it was the easiest thing that I had ever done in my life. If I simplified my life into these tiny categories, then there would be no need for confrontation, no need for the objectification of my emotions, and the judgement of the people around me.
It has all flooded back into my vision, as if it had never left. All that it took was a tear at the seams at which I had laced my self into; one false judgment and I had got close to another human being again. I began to feel something for someone that I had not felt for a very, very long time. I wanted to know them, suddenly it wasn't all about me any more.
And then the swift realization about why I originally decided to void these emotions came flooding back with the sheer mention of rejection and unrequited love.
I am a fighter. When the realization quickly dawned on me, I began to stitch back the seams that I had just tried escaping from and quickly froze my emotions in place. Possibly this is a defense mechanism, an ancient technique that survived evolution, the protectant of a broken heart, but whatever this reaction may be, I am forever grateful, and eternally fearful of the destruction that this wall in my heart may eventually cause.
