I haven't posted in awhile, mainly due to the fact that nothing exceedingly exciting has happened in my life since the latter half of senior year. My first year of college came, and went. For the longest time it felt as if some part of my self was missing, as if I've been incomplete and riding autopilot through the last year of my life. And then it hit me. I had been missing my connection with other people. Sure, I can socialize and joke around with my friends from a day to day basis, but the emotional depth that I had once encompassed was left shallow. I remember drawing and writing thousands of pieces of poetry, trying to express my self. Now I feel this empty, massive, void where that emotion once was. I shut myself off, off from the world, off from my nearest and dearest friends, off from love even. Why had I subconsciously done so? Because it was the easiest thing that I had ever done in my life. If I simplified my life into these tiny categories, then there would be no need for confrontation, no need for the objectification of my emotions, and the judgement of the people around me.
It has all flooded back into my vision, as if it had never left. All that it took was a tear at the seams at which I had laced my self into; one false judgment and I had got close to another human being again. I began to feel something for someone that I had not felt for a very, very long time. I wanted to know them, suddenly it wasn't all about me any more.
And then the swift realization about why I originally decided to void these emotions came flooding back with the sheer mention of rejection and unrequited love.
I am a fighter. When the realization quickly dawned on me, I began to stitch back the seams that I had just tried escaping from and quickly froze my emotions in place. Possibly this is a defense mechanism, an ancient technique that survived evolution, the protectant of a broken heart, but whatever this reaction may be, I am forever grateful, and eternally fearful of the destruction that this wall in my heart may eventually cause.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Done.
Every time I open this page, I have so much inspiration bottled inside of me; love, life, and all of the glory in-between, but then my words become these sticky, thick, contortionist objects than can't seem to fall out of my mind the right way. Every sentences seems to get forced out, over enunciated and not as impactful as the ideas that seem to be skimming the surface of my brain.
College. College has caused this atrocity, it has rendered me speechless on the count of overuse and over worked. I have used the word "immoral" more times than I would've ever thought necessary with in my life time. For some reason trying to piece together these half-hearted bits of depth is making my spine cringe in a very uncomfortable fashion. I used to love sprawling out my thoughts of randomness on this screen, but somehow college has taken this pleasure away from me and replaced it with a certain agony. My thoughts are bleached with nothingness that stains and makes my words bleed into one large jumble of things. From the amygdala to civil liberties, I am done. Done trying to be creative, done trying to impress the people who stand in front of my classes than I pay for and request to be called by "Doctor", done with paying tuition to a school that gives the best parking spaces not to the people who are being force into debt to go there, but to the people who get paid to be there. I am done.
College. College has caused this atrocity, it has rendered me speechless on the count of overuse and over worked. I have used the word "immoral" more times than I would've ever thought necessary with in my life time. For some reason trying to piece together these half-hearted bits of depth is making my spine cringe in a very uncomfortable fashion. I used to love sprawling out my thoughts of randomness on this screen, but somehow college has taken this pleasure away from me and replaced it with a certain agony. My thoughts are bleached with nothingness that stains and makes my words bleed into one large jumble of things. From the amygdala to civil liberties, I am done. Done trying to be creative, done trying to impress the people who stand in front of my classes than I pay for and request to be called by "Doctor", done with paying tuition to a school that gives the best parking spaces not to the people who are being force into debt to go there, but to the people who get paid to be there. I am done.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
My life, in a nutshell!
Blogging is more of a personal diary than anything these days. Priorities for the next few years..
With in the next year:
Make friends. Like real ones that have your back.
Get closer to getting a boyfriend. Keep your standards high.
Start college off with a bang, good grades!!
With in five years:
Graduate college with a bachelor's degree in nursing.
Land a sweet job!
Get health insurance!
Move in with a boyfriend/ proposal?
Get my own place/apartment!
Get a new vehicle!
With in ten years:
Start an amazing career.
Get married.
Have a baby.
Get a house!
With in fifteen years:
Move to Hawaii
Build a great house, fancy finishes and everything!
Have a few more kids, hopefully a grand total of 3!
With in twenty years:
Have my master's degree under my belt.
Start college funds for my kids.
With in the next year:
Make friends. Like real ones that have your back.
Get closer to getting a boyfriend. Keep your standards high.
Start college off with a bang, good grades!!
With in five years:
Graduate college with a bachelor's degree in nursing.
Land a sweet job!
Get health insurance!
Move in with a boyfriend/ proposal?
Get my own place/apartment!
Get a new vehicle!
With in ten years:
Start an amazing career.
Get married.
Have a baby.
Get a house!
With in fifteen years:
Move to Hawaii
Build a great house, fancy finishes and everything!
Have a few more kids, hopefully a grand total of 3!
With in twenty years:
Have my master's degree under my belt.
Start college funds for my kids.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Top Ten from the girl who never goes outside...
Okay, recently I have been unable to stay away from my computer nor my TV, so I am in a pop-culture metaphase.
10- Grey's Anatomy---- Freaking Grey's Anatomy, where do I begin? Well, if you have never watched an episode a day in your life, go do that shit now! I would personally start on the pilot episode and do an onward binge from that point. But if you are unable to do so, you can usually catch up pretty fast by just catching an episode in the mean time.
9- The Fault in Our Star's---- Basically any John Green book is guaranteed to be flawless, and will seduce your brain with metaphors. That is why another of his books is also number eight on the list.
8- Looking for Alaska---- It's like Stand By Me, mixed with death that might be caused by suicide, who knows? No one but Alaska.
7- French Bulldogs---- Nothing is better than a French Bulldog frog-dogging it out. Google it.
6- Eric Dane---- OMFG! He is the hottest specimen of man that I have found in my diligent research. I believe Sexy as hell is the proper term.
5- The Last Ship---- If you would enjoy to see said hottie from above in a naval uniform and tactical gear, then by all means tune into TNT on Sunday nights. Oh, and it's a pretty great show. It's like the game Plague, but in a show and you are fighting for a cure instead of trying to shut it down.
4- Under the Dome---- It's kind of a hokey set show, but addicting none the less. Based on a novel written by Stephen King it is a sci-fi phenom-bomb. Not 100% sure if it's aliens but that's where the dome is leading us to believe.
3- MacBook Pro---- Don't forget the retina display! If you have one, you understand what I'm talking about. If you are still reppin' those Toshiba, HP, Dell, lemons, than you need to jump to the future, and buy yourself a mac!
2- The World Cup---- I don't watch it, nor do I know anything about soccer, oh, sorry, football. But, the memes are pretty funny and the guys are all really hot, so that's all good with me!
1- Urban Outfitter's---- Vintage record players, punny coffee cups, and high waisted shorts; You can find all of these items on the Urban Outfitter's website. It's like my taste thrown up and put together in a marvelously beautiful website.
10- Grey's Anatomy---- Freaking Grey's Anatomy, where do I begin? Well, if you have never watched an episode a day in your life, go do that shit now! I would personally start on the pilot episode and do an onward binge from that point. But if you are unable to do so, you can usually catch up pretty fast by just catching an episode in the mean time.
9- The Fault in Our Star's---- Basically any John Green book is guaranteed to be flawless, and will seduce your brain with metaphors. That is why another of his books is also number eight on the list.
7- French Bulldogs---- Nothing is better than a French Bulldog frog-dogging it out. Google it.
6- Eric Dane---- OMFG! He is the hottest specimen of man that I have found in my diligent research. I believe Sexy as hell is the proper term.
4- Under the Dome---- It's kind of a hokey set show, but addicting none the less. Based on a novel written by Stephen King it is a sci-fi phenom-bomb. Not 100% sure if it's aliens but that's where the dome is leading us to believe.
3- MacBook Pro---- Don't forget the retina display! If you have one, you understand what I'm talking about. If you are still reppin' those Toshiba, HP, Dell, lemons, than you need to jump to the future, and buy yourself a mac!
2- The World Cup---- I don't watch it, nor do I know anything about soccer, oh, sorry, football. But, the memes are pretty funny and the guys are all really hot, so that's all good with me!1- Urban Outfitter's---- Vintage record players, punny coffee cups, and high waisted shorts; You can find all of these items on the Urban Outfitter's website. It's like my taste thrown up and put together in a marvelously beautiful website.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
My Dog's Breath Smells Like Worcestershire Sauce.
Ever wonder why the moon's brighter than the stars?
Wanting to be heard but only being able to reflect.
Bright like the lights on the passing cars.
Some of the quietest voices want to speak the loudest.
The proudest are usually the shrewdest.
The victims of social espionage,
Don't know how to do anything,
'Cept sit back while someone takes their voice.
I hope that someday, somehow,
Someway.
That those thieves will have to pay.
For taking the voices away from those who don't know what to say,
from the gay.
Perceptions last forever, Voices fade.
Be true to yourself,
Cause nobody else has to.
Wanting to be heard but only being able to reflect.
Bright like the lights on the passing cars.
Some of the quietest voices want to speak the loudest.
The proudest are usually the shrewdest.
The victims of social espionage,
Don't know how to do anything,
'Cept sit back while someone takes their voice.
I hope that someday, somehow,
Someway.
That those thieves will have to pay.
For taking the voices away from those who don't know what to say,
from the gay.
Perceptions last forever, Voices fade.
Be true to yourself,
Cause nobody else has to.
Life as I know it, has ceased to change.
This is sort of like the diary that I pledge to write in everyday and then stow it away in my nightstand to discover every couple months and feel extremely terrible about how I never really kept that promise to my self and then again restate that I will start back up again and continue in faith! But I'm not making any promises, I am not Jenna Hamilton. My life isn't a roller coaster of adventures as much as I'd like it to be.
Like right now, post-high school, is about as monotonous as I had previously imagined, nothing's changed except my destination this fall, around ten miles south of where I have been going to for the past twelve years; the wondrous Winchester State University, commonly known as Umpqua Community College. Do I sound bitter? I shouldn't, but it's hard not to. With big city dreams, I have effectively land my self right back in the same hell hole in which I had so long planned to vacate and never look back. But, who can pass up free tuition for two years and one of the best nursing programs in the state? It's not Graphic Design, or photography but it'll pay the bills.
Work hard, play hard. Who the fuck invented that phrase? They are sorely mistaken. There is no physical way for one to work hard AND play hard. I work a measly thirty hours a week if not less at the easiest job in the world and my plans for after work as well as my days off is to crash, crash so hard and sleep until around ten thirty. Yep, I can get real rowdy. I mean, I can, if you consider going on a Candy Crush binder is getting wild.
Without further ado, and foregoing the proofread I shall publish this for the entire twitter sphere to read, well the two or three people that actually click on the obnoxious link. No one wants to read about someone else's life. Maybe next time I'll dare to intrude and write about some one else's life, who know. Until next time, The Girl Misunderstood.
Like right now, post-high school, is about as monotonous as I had previously imagined, nothing's changed except my destination this fall, around ten miles south of where I have been going to for the past twelve years; the wondrous Winchester State University, commonly known as Umpqua Community College. Do I sound bitter? I shouldn't, but it's hard not to. With big city dreams, I have effectively land my self right back in the same hell hole in which I had so long planned to vacate and never look back. But, who can pass up free tuition for two years and one of the best nursing programs in the state? It's not Graphic Design, or photography but it'll pay the bills.
Work hard, play hard. Who the fuck invented that phrase? They are sorely mistaken. There is no physical way for one to work hard AND play hard. I work a measly thirty hours a week if not less at the easiest job in the world and my plans for after work as well as my days off is to crash, crash so hard and sleep until around ten thirty. Yep, I can get real rowdy. I mean, I can, if you consider going on a Candy Crush binder is getting wild.
Without further ado, and foregoing the proofread I shall publish this for the entire twitter sphere to read, well the two or three people that actually click on the obnoxious link. No one wants to read about someone else's life. Maybe next time I'll dare to intrude and write about some one else's life, who know. Until next time, The Girl Misunderstood.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Coming to a close...
To whom this may concern,
The book is ending, the chapter running out of words, the epilogue is coming up.
My life as I know it, as a high schooler, is presumably over. Graduation is set a couple days from now, I've taken the last test at OHS I will ever take, now I just wait for a couple extra days before it's really over. Life as I know it will cease to exist; there will be no school supply list sent in the mail in the middle of August, no school pictures, no crappy lunches from the cafeteria that I'm forced to eat.
People often refer to their lives as one big, giant book starting with birth and ending with death. I refuse to believe that. I believe that our life is filled with many books, sequels, trilogies, series; however you want to divide it. Each and everyday is a chapter, filling in the space left in abundance known as spare time. There is no un-fillable void in which we are trapped, that void is where life happens. Life consumes us when we are not busy making decisions and working, it's the in-betweens that we don't count. Life isn't a timecard, its the time we forget to remember. As I type out this paragraph about nothing, I am reminiscing in all that has been, could've been, and should've been. That nostalgia is what makes everything so damn great. It makes everything worth it.
There's three things you need to make absolutely sure of throughout your entire life: That you continually love someone, something, anything; That someone, something, anything loves you; and to never stop. Never stop breathing, moving forward, looking back, loving, living, just never stop.
As a senior realizing that almost twenty years is behind me, I can tell you that it only goes faster and from here on out it's going to jet by in a blur I can already tell you. In kindergarten, the four hours we spent in that class room everyday felt like an eternity, now as a senior the months float by without even realizing. Next years and decades will be doing the same.
All I can say is live in the moment, make mistakes, and die happy with a smile on your face.
Stay golden, Pony Boy, - Bree Callahan
The book is ending, the chapter running out of words, the epilogue is coming up.
My life as I know it, as a high schooler, is presumably over. Graduation is set a couple days from now, I've taken the last test at OHS I will ever take, now I just wait for a couple extra days before it's really over. Life as I know it will cease to exist; there will be no school supply list sent in the mail in the middle of August, no school pictures, no crappy lunches from the cafeteria that I'm forced to eat.
People often refer to their lives as one big, giant book starting with birth and ending with death. I refuse to believe that. I believe that our life is filled with many books, sequels, trilogies, series; however you want to divide it. Each and everyday is a chapter, filling in the space left in abundance known as spare time. There is no un-fillable void in which we are trapped, that void is where life happens. Life consumes us when we are not busy making decisions and working, it's the in-betweens that we don't count. Life isn't a timecard, its the time we forget to remember. As I type out this paragraph about nothing, I am reminiscing in all that has been, could've been, and should've been. That nostalgia is what makes everything so damn great. It makes everything worth it.
There's three things you need to make absolutely sure of throughout your entire life: That you continually love someone, something, anything; That someone, something, anything loves you; and to never stop. Never stop breathing, moving forward, looking back, loving, living, just never stop.
As a senior realizing that almost twenty years is behind me, I can tell you that it only goes faster and from here on out it's going to jet by in a blur I can already tell you. In kindergarten, the four hours we spent in that class room everyday felt like an eternity, now as a senior the months float by without even realizing. Next years and decades will be doing the same.
All I can say is live in the moment, make mistakes, and die happy with a smile on your face.
Stay golden, Pony Boy, - Bree Callahan
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Santa Baby
My oh, my I wish it was as easy as just making it on the nice list.
Christmas is upon us once more, god damn it feels like it comes every year... That's kind of a dim witted joke. Don't judge. It's late.
As we get older a change slowly occurs, especially around the holidays. The things on our wish lists aren't simply twenty dollar dolls and hot wheels, maybe throwing in a my little pony. We want laptops, TVs, Playstation 15's (or whatever). I almost want to go back in time to when I was ecstatic over those toys. Now all I think about on Christmas morning before I open my presents is that I hope my parents got the right gig and TB set up for the latest electronic device I have requested. Does this make me a spoiled brat or a child of the Y-generation? I am sad to say the latter. If I didn't need a laptop for college I would tell my parents to spend money on other children that need it more than I do. I don't mean to be selfish, it just comes naturally.
Christmas is upon us once more, god damn it feels like it comes every year... That's kind of a dim witted joke. Don't judge. It's late.
As we get older a change slowly occurs, especially around the holidays. The things on our wish lists aren't simply twenty dollar dolls and hot wheels, maybe throwing in a my little pony. We want laptops, TVs, Playstation 15's (or whatever). I almost want to go back in time to when I was ecstatic over those toys. Now all I think about on Christmas morning before I open my presents is that I hope my parents got the right gig and TB set up for the latest electronic device I have requested. Does this make me a spoiled brat or a child of the Y-generation? I am sad to say the latter. If I didn't need a laptop for college I would tell my parents to spend money on other children that need it more than I do. I don't mean to be selfish, it just comes naturally.
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